Sometimes the hardest part is pushing yourself. I can push others and somehow find it within me to try and inspire them but who inspires me? Who pushes me because I know I sure don’t push myself.

Kevin likes to put big goals on me but it helps me bc he gives me specific SMART goals and I like it. For example – you will clean and jerk 80 kilos by the time mid ams 2013 and what do you know I hit that exact number. It wasn’t even a surprise to me. I mean don’t get me wrong I’m incredibly excited for my pr’s but I train hard and I really really try. But it’s like well Kevin said I could do it so hey why not. And then my good luck charms Tommy and Lauren – Tommy reminds me that I am only lifting peanuts so why not make it. And my long lost sis Lauren – she believes in me as much as I believe in her and that is enough.

Then there are people that I hear during pr’s and they sound so sincere in thinking I can do it, a hearty “let’s go janet!” and if I let those words in I use them as my energy and I usually make it happen so they’re proud of me!

But then it comes time to set my own goals. And it’s like – I put these imaginary walls and borders up for myself and I’m slowly learning that it’s not greedy to get multiple pr’s. There is nothing wrong with a 10.5 kilo pr in front squat though it’s probably weird. Ha.  But Kevin gave me a goal of a 90 clean and jerk by spring and a 300 lb back squat by summer. I’m going to try really hard to achieve all that.

So if you see me with my walls up help me break them down. Everyone deserves to try to get to their potential and surpass it!  I built my walls might high and strong, but I know that once I start believing more in myself I will be able to do so much more. My mind is powerful, it sure does hold me back at times, it’s time to start pushing myself.

I’m in the heart of the suck zone right now. We have been on a heavy strength cycle – and I mean it’s HEAVY. My front squats make me want to barf, I mean I have to rep out 85 kilos tonight and that’s 2 kilo under my old PR!  Also I have to really lock it up on Saturdays because each one includes snatches with bluuuuuuuuueees and that’s a big deal for me still.

So, we just got done maxing out our front squat last week, and this week we go for back squat pr. I haven’t done a back squat pr for about 2 months, and I’m excited! I can feel my strength going up and up and it’s kind of empowering. Except the laundry basket is still too heavy to bring downstairs without complaining.

Each cycle around this time I start to get the suck feeling.  I get really down on myself, I start to rush my second pull and I get bruises on my hip and abdomen area that make me think I am hurting my chances at having children in the future. =\ My teammates are likely sick of hearing me complain about this, so I’m probably going to take one day off this week. It’s hurting badly and it’s due to my rushing and tiredness. Those are not excuses, just the roots of my problem.

Rushing my second pull is due to my tired legs and not keeping my double knee bend in tact. Not completing my hip wedge in the double knee bend is making me kick the bar out in my snatches and therefore I can’t save ’em all. I missed one snatch – my final snatch of the day (58 kilos – 3 k under my pr) and I missed two cleans at 75 kilo (5 under my pr).  Problem is that my legs are just feeling yucky, and I’m lethargic.

So what to do, what to do???  Do I throw a tantrum? I sure do want to do this. Or, humm. do I suck it up and push myself out of the suck zone??  I have to get past it. In rugby we were always told that when we’re tired, we’re going to be able to get the most out of that training bc we’re pushing through the mental barriers as well as the physical barriers.  So, ok, still, HOW am I to get past it???

Honestly, this happens to me almost every cycle. I choose to not let it get the best of me.  I talk to my teammates and my coach and try to figure out what the cause is so I can work on that. I talk to other lifter friends about what they do when they have bad days. I also try to take a step back and evaluate whether this is a regular problem lasting for weeks or just a bad day here and there. I know there are good days and bad days. Lately I have more good than bad so I think that is a win. I’m pushing myself very hard and I am also dealing with life and work stress. YOU try to plan a wedding where the mother the bride (my mom) has decided we need to have a chinese dragon and bagpipers. WTF. Needless to say I’ve got a lot going on and sometimes it all just sits on my chest and affects me negatively.

In the end negativity and putting myself down never ever works. Slapping a smile on my face and getting focused is what helps get me out of the suck zone. It is also helpful to sometimes just take a night off.  Hopefully my muscles appreciate it and I can make it to the PR party on Saturday!